Mark Wiedmann and I, along with Ben Trustman, want to create real lasting friendships in our neighborhood and Walking Talking Men is how we’re doing it. We want to see doors in our neighborhood and say, “I have a friend who lives there.” And even I, after nearly twenty years of writing about isolation for boys and men, really had no clue about how to get it done. I struggled for decades with the nagging feeling many men have, of loss, of loneliness. Until now.
Loneliness in the US is a dangerous epidemic. Cigna reports that nearly 50% of people in the US feel “sometimes or always alone.” The health impact of chronic loneliness is equal to smoking, increasing the likelihood of heart disease, neurodegenerative diseases, diabetes, and even cancer. Cancer metastasizes faster in lonely people. And if it’s doing that to our bodies, imagine what it’s doing to our mental health. And yet, many of the men I meet tell me it’s not easy to make friends. For many of us, the dads at our PTA or the guys at work represent surface level friendships of proximity. Change your kid’s school, drop all those dads and start up with the next ones because all guys are the same, right?
Mark and I started WalkingTalkingMen.org just three months ago. I didn’t know what would happen. I posted once on the Upper West Side subreddit. Men emailed me saying, “Yeah, my wife and I have been talking about this.” “I need to do something about it.” “I’ve been aware of this for a while now.” Men in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s showed up. Now men have started walking in Los Angeles, CA and in Santa Barbara, CA. I hope men who read this, who want real, lasting, local friendships will start a walk wherever they are.
What I learned when the emails started coming is that men want to connect, to walk and talk with friends like we all used to do where we were young, to make room for that in our busy lives. My single Reddit post has changed my life. I didn’t know Ben Trustman three months ago, and may never have known him, but now, he’s a friend who lives just blocks away.
When men walk and talk in our groups, we talk about surface level stuff but we also hold space for what we might be struggling with.
Which brings me to a conversation that has come up more than once with some of the men who have joined us. The fictionalized details in this story are those of a mix of men, me included. But the idea is to give a sense of what happens on our walks. Sharing about this kind of deeper issue isn’t expected or required of anyone. But it happens when men hold space for each other. It really does.
So, here’s the conversation: We’re walking and talking. It’s cold and windy in Central Park. Other subjects lead up to this moment. And then a man says, “I’ve been getting really angry at my young kids, lately.”
Mark and I, (our kids are in college) remain silent and listen to this man talk about the pressures he’s dealing with and when he is done, we sit with it for a few moments. Then we both say something along the lines of, “You’re not alone in that. We’ve been there with our kids.”
Then I say what arrives for me. “There’s an unspoken rule of parenting that we’re not allowed admit how hard parenting can be. It’s too exhausting, too demanding. Too lonely. It’s supposed to be this joyful calling. Women especially aren’t allowed to admit it’s hard. Too hard sometimes.”
“And as parents we can’t really admit this to our partners, or the other parents at the PTA. But you can share that here. We’ve all been there. You’re not alone, and it’s never good to feel like you have to keep that stuff to yourself. Sometimes just saying it out loud is enough to begin to shift it.”
My wife Salha Bava, who is a Professor of Couple and Family therapy here in New York, calls this “speaking the unspeakable.”
We continued walking along the paths in Central Park. It’s cold and blustery. In the 20s. Dried leaves blow past. There are remnants of snow along the path. Maybe we talk about ways to help. There is a lot of parenting wisdom among the collective dads and although trying to fix things isn’t the primary goal of our walks, we offer help when it seems right to do so. Maybe by asking questions first. “What time of day does things get frustrating? Trying to get out in the morning? Trying to get dinner on? Do they argue with each other? With you?”
We share stories about our kids when they were little. The subject eventually shifts. The rhythm of the walk plays out. This is the crucial thing friends do for each other. We share and hold space for each other’s stories. And any man who wants this in our lives can have it.
Want to start a walk where you are? Here are our resources: https://walkingtalkingmen.org/resources/
Want to join us in NYC? Email me at walkingtalkingmen (at) gmail (dot) com
Here is our disclaimer: Walking Talking Men is not therapy and we are not therapists. We are not seeking to sell services. We are simply sharing information about how we are creating community for men in our neighborhood. That’s it.
WalkingTalkingmen.org 