As simple and straightforward as the idea of a friendship may seem, I’m struck by how rare it can be in men’s adult lives. Friendships have been rare in my life. Although I have lifelong friends from high school, all of those friendships typically amount to people I talk to once or twice a year. My friendship with my friend Mark Wiedmann, however, is something else entirely. It is meaningful because, f or one reason or another, we have consistently made time to have coffee each week, and we’ve done it over the course of years since our sons were in high school together. They’re both in college now.
The result is a friendship that I can rely on. A real and lasting friend who has my back and will hold space for when I’m struggled, just like I’ll hold space for him.
November of 2024, I told Mark I was thinking about doing this Walking Talking Men thing. It’s not my idea originally. A group of guys called Men Walking and Talking have been doing something similar in the UK since 2021. I told Mark I was thinking about starting a walk and that I had my doubts about it. I didn’t know who would show up. It could get complicated. I felt unsure of myself. All the usual stuff. Mark said, “We should do this.” And that was it. His support made doing it a reality.
Here’s the Data: the Deadly Impacts of Men’s Isolation
In my original post on Reddit inviting guys to join us and walk I wrote this:
“Cigna and other major organizations regularly share research confirming that over 50% of people in the US feel ‘sometimes or always alone.’ Such levels of isolation have health impacts equal to smoking. Lonely people face higher levels of heart disease, neurodegenerative disease, diabetes, cancer and so on. Many men struggle with loneliness even as we are busy working, caring for our kids, dealing with the daily demands of life. But research shows that men with a robust circle of friendships live longer healthier lives, have better marriages and relationships, feel more optimistic and are more successful in our personal and professional lives.”
Cigna research: https://newsroom.thecignagroup.com/loneliness-in-america
The Harvard Study of Adult Development is another powerful resource for understanding the quality of life impact of connection and friendships. Here’s a quote from a TED Talk by Program Director Robert Waldinger. This is from about 7:15 minutes in.
“Social connections are really good for us and loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community are happier, they’re physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected.”
Seems like something we should care about, yeah?
We Know We Need This
At this writing, I have only ever posted twice inviting men to walk and talk. It was on Reddit. Guys responding say, “Yeah, this is something I need to do.” Men know we need this. We just don’t know how to get it done.
Walking Talking Men is a simple mechanism to get it done. We have had six months of walks and the results are life changing. Men I didn’t know four months ago are now part of my life. Men from completely new networks of connection.
A few months after we started. Mark and I were getting our weekly coffee in Moca Coffee on Broadway. We’re talking about some stuff, movies, I don’t know, whatever it was, and in walks Ben, a guy who had been joining us on walks.
“Hey I saw you guys in here, mind if I join you?” A friend in our neighborhood, saw us as he was walking down the street, and came in to hang out. Local. Purely accidental. And not accidental at all. The intentional result of taking a risk, walking and talking. This hadn’t happened to me in ten years on the Upper West Side of New York City.
Now it has.
There are a reasons why millions of us men don’t have close friends nearby that we can rely on. These reasons are cultural, social, contextual, driven by a whole lot of factors. But any man who wants to, can join a walk, or start their own. And here’s the most important thing to understand. It’s like exercise. One time changes little. But if you walk and talk enough times with friends, something entirely new emerges. Friendships that transcend the disconnection we all often feel and give us the community and connection we can rely on to help us get through life’s challenges and also celebrate the great stuff that happens.
There’s a lot more about the power of friendships I can talk about. There’s a ton of data and research out there, but I’ll stop here for now.
Questions or comments? You can reach me at walkingtalkingmen (at) gmail (dot) com.
Disclaimer: Walking Talking Men is not therapy and we are not therapists. We are not doing coaching. We are not doing men’s work. We are simply sharing information about how we are creating real, lasting, local friendships for men in our own neighborhoods. That’s it.
WalkingTalkingmen.org 